One Year Ago Today........

One year ago today........

My heart was shattered.

I made the fateful appointment that would turn our lives upside down and shake us to the core.  I have not blogged for almost a year. I had grand plans to touch other people's lives, but Diabetes DEMANDS my life.    And to even remotely think about sitting down and writing a blogpost......ha....well...my mind just couldn't handle it.

One year ago today.......

I sat in a Doctors office.....stunned....speechless...holding back tears so that my 4 year old wouldn't get upset.  It was confirmed. She has Type 1 Diabetes and there is NOT a cure.  As I write this....I still can't believe it's true.  So......we left the office and went to the hospital for a 5 day stay.  On the drive there I can honestly say that I had no idea what we were in for. I didn't know what T1 was. I knew I had a friend that had 3 T1 kids.  I actually sent her a text while we were waiting for results back at the office. I knew she would be my lifeline.  We were now connected in a way I had never dreamt of.

One year ago today.......

I walked into the hospital shaking.  Addison skipped into the hospital.  She was delighted to be going to stay in the hospital.  She didn't look sick....why were we hear?  She had no idea what was ahead of her.  I wanted to scoop her up and run away from this nightmare.

One year ago today.......

I sat in a hospital room and looked into the eyes of my hero....my daughter.  She only cried 2 times in the hospital.  Once when they put the IV in and once when she became very ill because of her ketones. Since that day she has never faltered.  She took Diabetes by the horns and has ran with it.  She's has accepted her Diabetes.  Much more than myself.  I just wanted to trade the disease for some broken bones....something that would heal.

One year later.........

My heart is still broken.

I'm angry, bitter, sad....every emotion you can imagine.  I wish I could take it away from her.  I wish it could be my disease and not hers.

One year later.......

I look into the eyes of my hero.  In less than a year she has learned how to test her own blood, she learned how to give herself her own shots at the age of 5, she learned how to tell if she is low, and she has learned that this is her life.

One year later.......

She is still a little girl.  Diabetes does not define her.  She still goes to birthday parties, she plays at friends houses, she eats cake, she swims laps in a pool for an hour, she loves ballet and gymnastics, and has learned to play the piano.  Diabetes has sets her back at times, but she stares it down and picks herself up and moves on.

One year later.......

I am so very thankful.  I'm thankful for friends and family that understand that my brain isn't where it should be all the time.  I'm thankful for babysitters that made it possible for us to take a break every now and then.  Especially Amee who didn't hesitate to learn what this disease is all about, literally from day 2 of this journey.  She has been a lifesaver to say the least.  I'm thankful for my sister-in-law that made it possible for us take an extended weekend vacation without kids.  I never dreamt that I would be able to leave Addison for a weekend and relax COMPLETELY.  I'm thankful for Addison's teacher.  She saved my sanity.  She learned with me and made Addison's year at preschool extra special.  I'm thankful for our friends and neighbors that keep their cupboards stocked with snacks for Addison.  I'm thankful for Addison's friends.  Since day one they have always included her.  They were eager to learn about her disease.  I'm thankful for her diabetic team and my T1 moms.  They have reassured me that I'm not totally losing my mind and that it is OK to screw up and it is OK to be angry.  They are ALWAYS there when you are feeling like you are in the loneliest place.  They understand the constant fear that a T1 mom lives with.

I am especially thankful for Addison.  I am so very lucky to have a child like her.  She makes this life easier.  I am so proud to say I'm her mommy and can't wait to see where she takes her life.  Every night during our 2am  check she looks up at me and smiles the most amazingly reassuring smile.  She has Diabetes, but Diabetes doesn't have her.

One year later.......

We celebrate Addison and all that she is.  It may be a sad day for myself, but it is definitely not a sad day for her.  She will be skipping through the day just like she skipped into the hospital one year ago.

One year from now.....

We will be stronger. Probably still angry and mad.  And Addison will be skipping her way through the day.

Addison laying on her $8000.00 pillow pet

August 2nd, 2011 - D-Day

I'm going to regress and try to relive and share most of our moments throughout the past 2 weeks.  Why you ask?  I don't know.  For my own sanity...maybe I can help someone down the line understand their own feelings.  Tuesday, August 2nd started out as a "normal" day in our world.  We went to the Y in the morning, ran a couple errands, and then came home.  Before we left for the Y I decided I needed to address this nagging problem we were dealing with in our house.  I like to call it the peeing problem.  Addison had become quite familiar with every restroom in the city of Minot.  And we couldn't make it more than 15 minutes without having to RACE to find a restroom.  She also became a wateraholic.  She hoarded bottle of water, she cried to buy water in stores, water was attached to her at all times.  This problem only started on about July 17th.  We noticed it when we were flying home from Florida.  It rapidly got worse over the weeks following.  And it actually became a joke at tball and swimming lessons.  How long could she make it before she had to pee.  I laughed, but in the depths of my mind and heart I knew there was a problem.  Anyways, I had made an appointment for her on August 15th with her Ped.  We couldn't get in any earlier, because our Ped was on vacation.  So, on August 2nd I decided we couldn't wait.  I called our nurse and told her what was going on.  She suggested we come in right away and transferred me to the on call doc.  So we went about our business for the day until our appointment at 3:30pm.  I "knew" it would be a quick visit...we would leave with antibiotics for a UTI and all would be good in a week.  But in the depths of my heart, I knew it wouldn't be ok.  I knew the news would be bad.  We started with a urinalysis to see if it was a UTI.  The doc came in and discussed her symptoms.  I told her that she was waking up with a pull up that was so full it would literally fall off.  The doc stopped what she was doing and looked at me and asked " have you considered diabetes?".  That was the first moment I finally said with honesty that I had thought of it.  At that moment I knew what I was going to hear.  So we waited for the test results.  Of course, my sugar princess had to go to the bathroom....so we headed off to the bathroom.  We walked out of the bathroom and the doc was standing there.  I could see the sadness in her eyes and my heart sank.  She showed me the results.  Any dummy could read the results.  I held on for a few minutes.  I couldn't cry in front of this little girl.  I had to hold it together.  But I couldn't. 

The doctor told us she would have to go to the hospital.  The did a blood sugar test there and it registered HI.  The meter only reads so high.  So we had an hour to prepare for the hospital.  Princess was super excited to got to the hospital.  We came home and she happily packed her bags!  This was gonna be fun....she was proud.  All while my heart was breaking.  We got to the hospital and did the whole admission thing.  She was still having fun.  After all they gave her a lady bug pillow pet that I like to refer to as the $8000.00 pillow pet!  A couple hours later the fun started to stop.  It was time for the IV.  I warned the nurses.....she freakishly strong.  They prepared.  My strong princess sat there with one tiny peep while they put her IV in.  I sobbed in the chair while daddy told her how brave she was.  They drew her blood and we settled in.  Her blood results came in...her BG was 743.  At that point all I knew was it wasn't good. They started her on an insulin drip.  Checked her BG every hour and drew blood every 2 hours.  I begged her nurse to put the magic cream on her arm so she wouldn't feel the poke when they would draw blood.  Amazingly she slept through the night. I sat in the dark next to her bed wishing this nightmare away.  Begging someone to give me the Disease...not my 4 year old.

Our Story

It has been almost 2 weeks since our little princess was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes.  To say that it has been overwhelming is an understatement.  At approximately 4:00pm August 2nd we hopped on a roller coaster ride.  Through our 2 week life change I have experienced every emotion possible.  A VERY long time friend sent me a Facebook message telling me to write, to get all my emotions out.  If I were to write all my emotions, I would have been writing for 2 weeks straight.  I would be the Forrest Gump of blogging!!  There have been so many moments when I try to will  the "nightmare" over.  But reality is.....Type 1 is our reality.  I have been ever so fortunate enough to be surrounded by phenomenal family and friends.  I have also had a fantastic opportunity to meet other T1 families and see that this disease is something we CAN and WILL be able to deal with.  There have been many dark moments, but thankfully my little sugar princess has pulled her weary mommy through.  I will post a more detailed story of our 2 week journey later.  My goal of this blog is to help other totally shocked families ease into this new life.