One Year Ago Today........

One year ago today........

My heart was shattered.

I made the fateful appointment that would turn our lives upside down and shake us to the core.  I have not blogged for almost a year. I had grand plans to touch other people's lives, but Diabetes DEMANDS my life.    And to even remotely think about sitting down and writing a blogpost......ha....well...my mind just couldn't handle it.

One year ago today.......

I sat in a Doctors office.....stunned....speechless...holding back tears so that my 4 year old wouldn't get upset.  It was confirmed. She has Type 1 Diabetes and there is NOT a cure.  As I write this....I still can't believe it's true.  So......we left the office and went to the hospital for a 5 day stay.  On the drive there I can honestly say that I had no idea what we were in for. I didn't know what T1 was. I knew I had a friend that had 3 T1 kids.  I actually sent her a text while we were waiting for results back at the office. I knew she would be my lifeline.  We were now connected in a way I had never dreamt of.

One year ago today.......

I walked into the hospital shaking.  Addison skipped into the hospital.  She was delighted to be going to stay in the hospital.  She didn't look sick....why were we hear?  She had no idea what was ahead of her.  I wanted to scoop her up and run away from this nightmare.

One year ago today.......

I sat in a hospital room and looked into the eyes of my hero....my daughter.  She only cried 2 times in the hospital.  Once when they put the IV in and once when she became very ill because of her ketones. Since that day she has never faltered.  She took Diabetes by the horns and has ran with it.  She's has accepted her Diabetes.  Much more than myself.  I just wanted to trade the disease for some broken bones....something that would heal.

One year later.........

My heart is still broken.

I'm angry, bitter, sad....every emotion you can imagine.  I wish I could take it away from her.  I wish it could be my disease and not hers.

One year later.......

I look into the eyes of my hero.  In less than a year she has learned how to test her own blood, she learned how to give herself her own shots at the age of 5, she learned how to tell if she is low, and she has learned that this is her life.

One year later.......

She is still a little girl.  Diabetes does not define her.  She still goes to birthday parties, she plays at friends houses, she eats cake, she swims laps in a pool for an hour, she loves ballet and gymnastics, and has learned to play the piano.  Diabetes has sets her back at times, but she stares it down and picks herself up and moves on.

One year later.......

I am so very thankful.  I'm thankful for friends and family that understand that my brain isn't where it should be all the time.  I'm thankful for babysitters that made it possible for us to take a break every now and then.  Especially Amee who didn't hesitate to learn what this disease is all about, literally from day 2 of this journey.  She has been a lifesaver to say the least.  I'm thankful for my sister-in-law that made it possible for us take an extended weekend vacation without kids.  I never dreamt that I would be able to leave Addison for a weekend and relax COMPLETELY.  I'm thankful for Addison's teacher.  She saved my sanity.  She learned with me and made Addison's year at preschool extra special.  I'm thankful for our friends and neighbors that keep their cupboards stocked with snacks for Addison.  I'm thankful for Addison's friends.  Since day one they have always included her.  They were eager to learn about her disease.  I'm thankful for her diabetic team and my T1 moms.  They have reassured me that I'm not totally losing my mind and that it is OK to screw up and it is OK to be angry.  They are ALWAYS there when you are feeling like you are in the loneliest place.  They understand the constant fear that a T1 mom lives with.

I am especially thankful for Addison.  I am so very lucky to have a child like her.  She makes this life easier.  I am so proud to say I'm her mommy and can't wait to see where she takes her life.  Every night during our 2am  check she looks up at me and smiles the most amazingly reassuring smile.  She has Diabetes, but Diabetes doesn't have her.

One year later.......

We celebrate Addison and all that she is.  It may be a sad day for myself, but it is definitely not a sad day for her.  She will be skipping through the day just like she skipped into the hospital one year ago.

One year from now.....

We will be stronger. Probably still angry and mad.  And Addison will be skipping her way through the day.